im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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