I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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