i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
