Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
