i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
