found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
