I'm sorry my penis didn't work
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I want her autograph on my taint
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize