I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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