so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Randomize
