she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
