how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
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