I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
