At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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