Duck Duck Cougar?
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
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