he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize