HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
