Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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