dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
