I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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