why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
