remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
