I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
