just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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