it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
