She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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