Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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