if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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