tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
