pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
