So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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