your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
