I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Randomize
