Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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