i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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