I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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