Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
how drunk are you?
Several
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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