I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize