Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
