Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
