Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
