I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
