Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
