Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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