I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize