He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
