I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize