I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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