My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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