You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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