Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
