I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
