I cannot find my penis.
Applied 4 a nanny job usin a Legit Site. Xplain to me how the couple I found offered me a 3some complete with 'sexy pics' of the wife blowin hubby. wtf?
obviously you're part succubus.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
