You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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