I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
