you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I just want nice things and good sex
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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