Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize